Monday, March 26, 2012
I know I haven’t written a blog in awhile. Life has just been plugging along and I feel as though I have nothing of any value to say and then God nudges me…..What about that? Oh, yes I guess I could share that…. I know I have said it before and I’ll say it again, It’s not always easy to be vulnerable and let people see the “real you” inside and out. But I also know God is calling me to be authentic and share my story with others. So here I am!
I believe the last time I wrote I was talking about my 6 month dating vow that has long come and gone. (For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about please go back and read my last blog before this one.) So….has my knight in shining armor shown up since then? I have to say, no he has not. Did a really good counterfeit knight in shining armor show up during that time? Why, yes he did. And it was so tempting, and seemed so promising…..but God made it very clear to me…not the real deal. You may ask… How did you know? It was quite simple….I prayed a lot. I asked God to guard my heart and reveal everything I should know…and guess what?? He did. I’m not going to lie….I was a bit disappointed and kind of sad to have my hopes dashed….But boy oh boy, am I glad to get out, for the most part unscathed. My hopes being dashed are a far cry from my heart being broken into smithereens, which is what has happened to me in the past. And more than anything I am so thankful to be in obedience to God and know He has something better in store for me. I truly do not want anything that is not of God and I have learned from my past experiences to wait upon the Lord. I don’t want to take anything into my own hands. It’s SO not worth it.
So as many of you know I am a preschool teacher. I feel so blessed to be doing what I love. It was my dream as long as I can remember to teach preschool (I love little ones!) But for a side job I work at a party rental store on Saturdays and during the summer when preschool is not in session. We work with a lot of brides and do many weddings all year round. I am so thankful to have this second job, especially with so many people struggling to find work and make ends meet. But then….2 to 3 times a year we do wedding expos. A wedding expo is a wedding palooza! Everything you could ever imagine you may need for a wedding is there. There are rings, wedding dresses, florists, wedding cakes, wedding venues, honeymoon packages, limos, make-up artists, hair dressers, photographers, etc, etc, etc….. And may I add….very eager and excited Brides. You do a lot of talking and need to seem genuinely interested helping the Brides plan for their big day.
Now think about the irony in this for me. I am single and for many years I have struggled with not being married. I have felt less than whole and was willing to marry someone I had NO business even being with just because I didn’t want to be alone. I have battled my own insecurities about all of these things and in the past a wedding expo is the very last place in the world I would want to be. It felt like a billboard flashing in my face….EVERYONE in the world is loveable and worthy of marriage but you are not! I would look at some of the brides at the expos…and think to myself…really??? Why you but not me? So many times I felt like the world’s biggest loser. It was so hard for me to be there and I am ashamed to say…. I had a horrible attitude about it all and the dialogue in my head was not pretty.
But as you know in the past two Years (yes two years…I can’t believe it has been that long!) I have dedicated my life to God. I’m tired of doing things “My” way only to have it end in total disaster. I am committed to the Lord and I pray daily for the Lord to change my heart. And guess what? He has. The wedding expos in the past seemed like a form of torture and now I can truly say I look forward to them. I am happy for the brides and enjoy helping them plan for their weddings. There is no longer any malice in my heart being at a wedding expo. I even had to do wedding expos this year on my B-day, New Years Eve, and New Years Day. Not a problem! What can I say…I’m not who I was! J
What I have learned is this…walking with the Lord is so freeing! I am free to experience joy in all things. I am free to love others, even when my life is less than perfect. I am free to live and love my life just as it is. What a gift! If you have a broken heart or are struggling with life I hope you can go to God. Start listening to Him. Give it to him…over and over and over. Get on your knees and say out loud how you are feeling and ask God to help you. I promise he will. He loves you so very much. He is the binder of broken hearts…but binding a broken heart takes time. Don’t grow weary. Let the Lord work in your life.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I hope you can give your life and all that you are to him. He will use you exactly where you are….and maybe even take you and use you at places you never even imagined he would. Like a Wedding Expo…ha! Or maybe something even grander than that. J