It’s NOT all about me....

I really try to live by those words.  Easier said than done!  When I read The Purpose Driven Life  I was drawn in right away at the 1^stsentence….It’s not about you.  I want it not to be about me and yet there I am always in the way.  Being single I pretty much can do whatever I want whenever I want.  I can cook whatever I want, spend my time and money however I please, and basically I don’t have to check in with anyone.  It’s all about me! 
Of course if you have children they come 1^st but even as a single parent with a split custody situation I’ve always had quite a bit of time away from my son. Every other weekend, split Christmas Break, Spring Break, etc….and when that happens, it’s all about me baby.  Time for mama to shop, go tanning or do whatever I want…because I can! 

One of the traps of singleness is selfishness.  It’s all about me…good or bad.  We can get stuck in the “Whoa is me” syndrome.  We feel like…no one really knows what being single is like….My life is hard if you only knew what I have to go through…..You have a partner, I’m all alone…..I have to raise my children by myself….I have the financial burden of my household on me.  The I’s just keep coming.    But God tells us in the Bible
in Luke 9:23 If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.    

God says we need to lose the I.  And that my friends is not an easy thing to do.  A couple of years back I had the privilege of going on a mission trip with my son to build houses in Mexico.  It sounds like a selfless act doesn't it?  But I ended up learning a lot about myself on that trip and let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.  I came into it saying…It’s not about me!  But as soon as I came across some hardships on the trip, it became all about me fast! Let me explain;  So 1^st off I had heard the stories of this trip from previous years.  The weather could make you or break you.  You are camping for 4 days in a big dirt pit.  And for the record, I don’t camp.  (That is a whole other topic that I won’t get into.  Let’s just say in my mind camping is the opposite of fun.  But hey, this isn’t about me…right?  No problem.  I got this camping thing. )

I had three big fears going into this trip.  A.  I would get or be sick.  B. That we would have horrible weather and   C.  That something would happen to my tent and the things in my tent.  Not likely these things would happen….right??? 

The day before we were to go I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed. (And yes I got my stinkin flu shot!)  I was miserable!  Once we got to Mexico it started to rain....hard.  You literally dig trenches around your tent for the water to go into in hopes it won’t go into your tent.  Our vans got stuck in the mud, we couldn’t even do a full day’s work the 1^st day there because it was raining so hard.  So there I am sick, cold, and in the pouring down rain.  Not happy but trying to tell myself……It’s not about me. Then we go back to our campsites and that is when I get the news….There was a big wind gust while we were gone.  Not only did our tent blow down but our tent pole gouged it and there was a hole in the top of our tent roof. (Still raining mind you!)  Our stuff and sleeping bags were wet.   Thankfully before we left for our sites I had put black garbage sacks around our sleeping bags so it could have been a lot worse.  But still, we had to duct tape our tent back together, try to dry it out and I felt like my head weighed 100 pounds.  It was not going well.  The next day the weather was better but still a mess outside from the rain.  I still felt horrible, and the work was HARD Labor.  It involved a very rickety staircase (if you could call it that), heavy buckets of dirt mixed with concrete and poured out to make a slab.  I’m not gonna lie I was not used to that kind of work and by the end of the day I was worn out and done.  Done with everything and everybody.   I was having the BIGGEST gripe session ever in my head.  I was thinking…I hate this…this is not fun…I don’t want to be here…why did I think I would be able to do this.  I’m never coming back again…ever!  I don’t want to be here for two more days, I’d give anything to get out of here.  This is so NOT worth it! 

You get the ugly picture.  It was about me and I had enough.  I went into the gathering tent for dinner quite grumpy and put out when God exposed my selfish heart for what it was. 

There was a local pastor who had come to visit us.  He spoke only in Spanish and had to be interpreted.  He started out by saying how thankful they were that we were there.  That his church had been praying for us.  To them we were like angles.  That these 4 days we gave to them building houses will change their families’ lives forever.  I began to cry tears of shame.  I couldn’t believe how fast I went from it’s not about me…to It’s all about me.  I prayed right there for God to forgive me and to change my heart.  It was a very humbling experience for me.  The rest of the week did not go perfectly or smoothly but it did not matter.  I had decided to lose myself.  It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  I got to serve the Lord side by side with my son and grow in God’s grace.  It is a memory I cherish with all my heart.  I would not change one rotten circumstance for anything on that trip. 

I am still learning to lose myself.  It is not an easy act to do.  How about you?  Is your life all about you?  Are you constantly comparing your life to others and griping about it?  Or are you serving, growing, and giving to others?  It is what God has called us to do single or not.  Put yourself in situations where you have the opportunity to lose yourself for God.  Start serving others in your community, church, go on mission trips, or where ever God leads you.  And trust me if you ask Him…he will lead you to serve him.  Don’t be afraid!  It really is time to say and show….It’s not about me. 

Let’s Get Intimate…

SO…  The main reason I am doing this blog is to reach out to other singles and let them know they are not alone.  I love that God is speaking to others besides singles through this blog.  You never know what God will do with something when he calls you to it.  But I have to say….it is hard for me to spill my guts.  I have spent a lot of time and years doing the opposite.  I have put up a wall and acted like everything was fine and I wasn’t struggling at
all and life is peachy keen, don’t you know!  But that was not the case.  And God has REALLY laid it on my heart that I need to be real and authentic and spill the dirt on myself.  I was in a bad marriage for years but pretended everything was fine to my friends and family.  At times I have felt alone, rejected, and so incredibly insecure being single.  I’ve only let a few of my true inner circle friends know the “real” me. 

I once read a definition of intimacy as into-me-see.  When you are truly intimate with someone you let them see the real you.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  And I think that is
how we grow.  We let our guard down and let God in.  And a big part of that is fellowship with other like minded Christians.  God has REALLY been working on me in this area and I’d like to share how, but some of these details seem a bit intimate to me (and seriously embarrassing) but I have a feeling I am not alone in some of these areas. 

I think in every singles walk there comes a time when you start to do the ring check.  You know what I mean….you see or meet someone randomly, maybe at the local coffee shop, grocery store, church, where ever and you think Hmmmmm…I wonder and then you look.    You know…. for the ring….the ring that is on the left hand….the hand that will state…… taken or available.  The ring check can become sort of an obsession.  Always looking. Always
wondering.  Always on the prowl.  Your day can rise and set with a ring check.(Ooohhh he’s single!  Dang…He’s married!) 

But the thing I have been most guilty of is freaking out or being a complete weirdo when I meet someone who is single.  All of a sudden I make it really complicated and my wall comes up.  (And let me tell you the Great Wall of China has nothing on the wall I can put up!)  Let me explain.  I meet someone through a friend or at church or whatever….these are the thoughts that would run through my head.  Oh my gosh…What if he thinks I like him?  What is he likes me?  What if people start talking?  What if he likes me and I don’t like him?  What if I like him and he doesn’t like me?  What if, What if, What if….WHOOOOP….wall of China in place.  I would probably avoid them at all costs and I would not talk to them, definitely never get to know them, and probably act quite rude around them by giving them the cold shoulder. (Defense mechanism)  I would never see them as a person to get to know and be friends with; I’d only see them as possible mate material.  That is the only way I could relate to them because they were single and so was I.  It wasn’t until I read Michael Cavanaugh’s book The Power and purpose of Singleness that my heart was stirred to change.  He talked about God convicting his heart that he needed to see single women as his Sisters in Christ first.  This REALLY spoke to my heart.  I rated every single guy I ever met as marriage material not as a brother in Christ. 

 
In my Life Group right now we are reading 1&2 Peter.  I came across a verse that really spoke to me.  In 1 Peter 1:22 it says….Now that you have made your souls pure by obeying the truth, you can have true love for your Christian brothers and sisters.  So love each other deeply with all your heart. 

 
This is what I have decided to do.  Obey God’s truth and love on my Christian Brothers and Sisters with all my heart.  I am seeing them through God’s eyes, not sizing them up.  I can’t tell you how this has freed me!  I am waiting on the Lord for his plan and purpose and loving everyone God puts in my path.  I’m not looking for that ring anymore.  I’m just looking at the person and letting God dictate how they fit into my life.  And in the mean time I am getting to know some amazing people and growing in fellowship and God’s grace with them.  I have so much more joy and peace in my life because of it. 

Ask yourself:  Are you obeying God’s truth?  Are you sizing up people or getting to know them as brothers and sisters in Christ?  Are you being real and authentic with others?  Are you plugged into other like minded singles?  If not we’ve got to talk! Pronto! J  Ask God for help in this area.  Ask Him to show you the way.    

The Panic Button.....

When I was 1^st divorced I did not date much and I never did anything away from my son if it was his weekend home with me.  I hated being a part time Mom and I was very protective of my time with him.  That is a decision I will never regret as he is 18 now ready to graduate from high school and getting ready to go to college.  The time has gone so fast and I am so thankful that my time with him was my top priority.

 When he was older and more social and did not need me home as much I  started to date.  I was married young, divorced young and was in no real hurry to get married again…..until I turned 35.  I don’t know what happened to me but all of a sudden I hit the panic button…hard.  It was like an old war movie….Aaaaoooogah, Aaaaaoooogha, All hands on deck, All hands on deck!  This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill.  I literally went on a dating frenzy and it was for one mission and one mission only.  To find a guy and get married A.S.A.P.   (Now I should state that I was dating someone and in a relationship with him for 3 years prior to that summer.  I truly thought I would marry that person and when it all fell through, it propelled me into my panicked state.  I felt like I had wasted 3 “good” years with him and needed to find someone else immediately.  I wasn‘t getting any younger!!!) 

I did match.com , e-harmony, and went on any dates any of my friends would set me up on.  But nothing was working.  They all pretty much flopped.  I was praying every night …God, PLEASE bring him to me.  I am ready.  I want to be married.  And then God spoke to my heart….and he told me very clearly to wait.  I will never forget it.  I knew with all my heart that I was to wait on Him.  That God had a plan for me and I needed to wait on his timing.  And at first I did wait, but pretty quick I got impatient and took things into my own hands.

Oh how I wished I had waited.  But I did not. I ended up getting back together with my ex-boyfriend, who then became my fiancé’ and is now my ex-fiancé’.  It was not right and I knew it but I did not listen and at the time I did not care.  I walked away from God to do my own thing. 

Let me tell you, I have paid a price for my disobedience.  I had to go through a lot of hurt and heartache to get myself back on track with God.  In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers says, “When you do not wait on the timing of God’s will, you will end in making difficulties that will take years of time to put right.  Wait for God’s timing to bring it around and He will do it without any heartbreak or disappointment.”  I wish I had listened to God.  I can not undo what has been done but I have a choice now, and I choose to wait on the Lord. 
Just today I read in my Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young (Day March 26^th)  Waiting on Me(Jesus) means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.  It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out for yourself. 

I am SO done with trying to figure things out for myself.  I am ready and willing to wait on the Lord.  If God has called us to wait, we have to trust that He is at work in our lives. 
Psalm 130:5  I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope! 
Give God your life today.  Tell Him you will wait on him.  Put your hope in His word. 

*Listen to song # 10 on my Single Girls Groove list.  It is called While I am Waiting.  This song really spoke to my heart when I heard it!  I hope you enjoy! 

The Pit of Despair....

I love that I have married friends that are following my blog.  It is so great that you are wanting to try to see a singles perspective!  But the truth is unless you are in someone else's shoes you have no idea how it would feel.  You probably do not know what it feels like to be the only single person invited to a dinner party with all other couples there, or to walk into church by yourself and sit alone every week.   It is not an easy thing for a single to do.

I was married for 10 years and have been divorced for more than ten years now! (Yikes!)  I have woken up on more than one occasion (and I'm sure it will happen again) and thought to myself...This is my life... really??  This wasn't supposed to happen to me.  I was supposed to get married, have a great little house with the white picket fence, 3 kids in tow, be a stay at home mom, with a loving husband who adores me!  What the heck happened?  I'm sure you can relate!  Life seems to of given you a curve ball you never saw coming.  And it's not fair.  Why oh why did this happen to me?  The pit of despair has begun.  It's pity party time, and I am ready to whoop it up.    Maybe you've never been married and you are waiting...and waiting...and waiting....while it seems as though all your friends are getting married and starting families all around you.  You think What gives?  Why not me?  No fair!....and you join me in my pitty party. 

The devil just loves a good pity party.  He loves it when we feel like God has really let us down.  The madder we get at God the further away we walk from him...and frankly that is right where the devil wants us.  In the Pits of despair.  Nothing good ever comes out of there.....but I can't help but think of someone else who literally was in a pit and had some pretty crazy stuff happen to him, but instead of getting mad he stayed faithful.  He knew God would see him through.  You know who I am talking about, Jacob's son Joseph.  The kid with the really fancy coat. 

Joseph was thrown into a pit by his brothers because they were jealous of him.  He was sold into slavery and later thrown into jail for something he did not do.  Years and years passed by.  And Joseph stayed faithful.  We all know what happened later, Joseph became a very powerful man and God blessed him for his faithfulness.  Joseph had a choice:  He could be bitter at his circumstances and wave the "No Fair" flag or he could submit to God and continue to believe God and his promises.  I have waved that flag more than once, but not anymore.  I am truly believing God has an amazing plan for my life and yes my life has not turned out how I thought it would, but seriously who's life does?  No ones.  So you can be mad at God and miserable, or accept his will and trust him.  Talk to God tonight and tell him you trust him even if you don't understand. Start your walk with him in faith....

*Read Genesis 37 -45 for the whole story of Joseph. 

You know the half...

The half of the oreo cookie without the cream on it.  You are not half of anything.  You are whole and complete just as God made you.  Now let me tell you I am a sucker for a sappy movie and a sappy line every time.  I literally gasped out loud the 1st time I saw Jerry McGuire and heard the whole...You complete me and you had me at hello line.   I remember thinking... I want my soul mate that completes me.  (Where is he darn it?)  Little did I know I was completed and whole in Christ.  NO human being on the planet can complete you, or meet all your needs.  It just is not possible.  God says in Colossians 2:10 "In Christ we have been made complete."    The 1st step in being joyful, content Christian Singles is knowing I am complete in Christ.  He completes me....no one else!  Now if you don't feel very complete, it's time to take it to God.  He will show you the way but you have to GO to Him!  

* Half a cookie illustration was inspired by The Power and Purpose of Singleness by Michael Cavanaugh 

Let me start by saying.....

I have not always been so ready to give my life over to God.  I have spent a lot of time doing the opposite.  I have totally bought into the....You're no one with out someone line.  I have had wrong relationship after wrong relationship and I almost married someone I had no business being with  just because I was tired of being alone.  But let's face it society does nothing to help a single girl out.  They do tell us...You are no one with out someone.  Two is better than one.  I think you get what I am saying here.

So this past summer soon after I had called off my engagement I was pretty close to having a nervous breakdown.  It all was just too much.  I heard the lies in my head.  You are no one with out someone.  No one will ever love you.  You aren't good enough.  Yes, pretty dark stuff.   I was really loosing it and then I found a book that started my transformation.  (Well that and a really good Christian counselor.)   The Book is called The Power and Purpose of Singleness by Michael Cavanaugh.  It really sparked something in me.  I am on a mission to reach out to other singles.  Guess what you are not alone.  You my friend are not half a cookie....